Suffering In Silence
by madcasmi
Summary: Life had been getting better for Olivia Benson. She is a Lieutenant in the NYPD, commanding her own unit. She has a wonderful son and supportive group of friends. She was trying her best to put all her past demons to rest. But some things are not meant to lay rest. Somethings still whisper in her ear... Post season 18
1. Chapter 1

This is as recent as a couple weeks ago, when Cassidy told Olivia that she was never going to bare her sole to him and she agreed. I was shouting at the TV yelling there is only one person you could EVER bare your soul too. Season 19 episode 14.  
This is rated T for now, I may change ratings level later.

I own absolutely non of these characters. This is the first time I have ever taken them out for a spin. Thank you Dick Wolf for giving me something to daydream about...

...

 **When you're alone there's a very good chance you'll** **meet things that scare you right out of your pants there** **are some, down the road between hither and yon,** **that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.**

 **Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!**

 **Sunday July 10, 2PM**

Olivia was lost in her thoughts when Amanda attempted to bring her into the present. They were sitting together on a blanket in the middle of a park. It was a gorgeous Sunday afternoon and Olivia and Amanda had decided to bring Jessie and Noah. This was a rare occurrence. The job was all too time consuming. Their children were running around the blanket in the lush green grass. lost in her own thoughts haunted by past memories, Olivia seemed to tune the world out. Memories she had tried so hard to bury seemed to intent on resurfacing today..."Nothing good can come from the past" her mind whispered to her.

Noah arms stretched his arms wide, acting as if he was an airplane, he supplied the noise himself. Jessie who thought Noah hung the moon copied his every move running behind him.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Asked Amanda.

Startled, Olivia grinned. "I was lost IN my thoughts" she said sheepishly.

"That's the point of the Penny" Amanda laughed.

Olivia cautioned "I was thinking about my old partner"  
"Nick?" Amanda furrowed her brow.

"No...no... " Olivia laughed.

Jesse and Noah plopped into their mom's laps, out of breath and covered in grass clippings. The smell of the outdoors and sweat lingered on him

"Mommy?" Noah panted as Olivia tried to pick the park debris from his curly locks.

"Can we have our snack now?" He asked while trying to dodge his moms prying fingers in annoyance.

Jesse Rollins, Amanda Rollings young daughter, squealed in delight with Noah's question. She was obviously accustomed to her mothers intrusion into her blonde hair. She sat content in her mother's lap, not minding her touch, you could tell this was an everyday occurrence.

They settled the children with their water bottles and snacks and sat back in their places.

"Do you want to finish...?" Amanda asked.

"I mean... I understand, if it's too personal" She finished.

"Hmm? Oh, no it's fine" Olivia reassured her.

"His name was Elliot right?" Amanda asked.

"Yeah... Elliot." Olivia nodded. She looked around. "This park..." She motioned around. "He would meet his family here for lunches, Dinners...just so he could see them... be with them he tried so hard to make it work. Both his job and his family. I always admired him for that." She spilled out half heartedly.

"Do you talk to him still?" pushed Amanda gently.

Olivia shook her head with a grimace that could only construed as a definitive "No"

She didn't think talking about this could stir such deep emotions in her after all this time.

"This was right before you joined us  
Olivia picked at the grass next to the blanket.  
"There was this shooting and... Elliot was involved. He was going to have to jump through all these hoops, IAB interrogations, Shrinks, the bureaucracy and red tape. He was just... done with it. With All of it...". She trailed off

"And?" Amanda prompted softly.

"And? She sucked in a breath. "I guess that included me. I haven't heard from him since." She stared at Amanda while she was having a internal war with her tear ducts. "I called, left messages, texted... I got the hint. I was apparently included in everything Elliot was walking away from."

Olivia took a deep breath and put a smile on her face always the constant professional. Her voice shaking. "That's enough of that! After Elliot, you came along, and then Nick shortly after that and Finn has been here ...forever! Everyone of you have helped heal the those raw wounds and I will forever be thankful!" She trailed off. Yes, she was thankful for these people and what they have become to her and her son.  
Amanda Grabbed her hand and gave it a quick squeeze, "I'm glad we could be there for you."

They stayed at the park for another hour after the kids snack, spending most of the time at the swings and the slide. Thankfully Amanda had decided not to push the topic of Elliot any further. Olivia just wished she could get him out of her head. She would go months now without thinking of him. It took 7 years to get to this point but then there would be days like today. Filled with an onslaught of emotions with thoughts of Elliot Stabler and he would haunt her for most of the day well into the night...

...  
 **July 10 Evening**

Noah was Sitting on his bed, scrubbed and donning in a fresh pair of pajamas, free of grass clippings. How this child ended with grass clippings under his clothes? Must be a boy thing?  
After the park they all had voted on pizza and went to a local pizza joint. Cheese pizza for all and a delightful 3 and 5 year old conversation. It was a full day emotionally as well as physically.  
She hoped the fresh air and exercise would let her and her son sleep well. That small part of her mind also whispered that she should try to tuck the thoughts of Elliot away as well. She was hoping that a glass a wine after putting Noah to bed would help with that.  
Noah was playfully bouncing his dinosaur up and down in front of himself, waiting for his mom to read him his story. Olivia stretched next to him. He began bouncing his dinosaur up her arm. She was tired, as soon as she laid next to him she could feel the sleepiness. She looked at the book in her hand and wondering if Noah would notice if she skipped over a few pages in this particular book.

"Mommy?" Noah piped up

" Yeh... Noah?" Olivia yawned.

Noah was still bouncing his dinosaur up and down, he didn't miss a beat.

"Who is Elliot?"

Ok maybe 2 glasses of wine...

 **TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**Just purely for fun... it you have time and Netflix. Chexk out the New Lost in Space. It was 10 episodes of great writing! Thanks for the reviews. PM me and if you have questions or comments. Much love...madcasmi**

 **When you're in a Slump,**

 **you're not in for much fun.**

 **Un-slumping yourself**

 **is not easily done.**

 _ **Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go**_

 _— Previously—_

 _"Mommy?" Noah piped up_

 _" Yeah...Noah?" Olivia yawned._

 _Noah was still bouncing his dinosaur up and down, he didn't miss a beat._

 _"Who is Elliot?"_

 _Ok maybe 2 glasses of wine..._

 _—_

Olivia had heard some pretty crazy things come out of her sons mouth before...but never in a million years did she expect this question. She scooped Noah up and settled him on her lap facing her so she could look him straight into his eyes. "Noah..." were you listening to Aunt Amanda and I talk at the park this afternoon?" She carried a bit of a warning in her voice.

"Just a little Mommy" He said guiltily. "I tried not to listen" Noah was done bouncing his dinosaur and now his dinosaur was climbing up Olivia's arm.

He slowly continued

"Jessie's Daddy...is far far away... she told me." Noah wide eyed with a hushed voiced as if it was a secret and no one in the room could hear, not even his stuffed animals.

Olivia's heart started to pick up a quicker pace. She knew exactly were this conversation was going.

Noah halted his dinosaurs climb up her arm. He looked up into Olivia eyes

"Is Elliot MY Daddy?"

Olivia felt all the love and protectiveness for this child overwhelm her. In her mind she could hear the sounding of alarms, she knew these questions would one day come... but she never imagined the name Elliot would come up in the same conversation.

"Sweetie, Elliot was Mommy's partner...at work...from a long long time ago." She took a breath trying to find the right words to bring a quick comprehension to a 5 year olds mind. "It was so long ago...as a matter of fact...it was before Aunt Amanda and Uncle Sonny.

"So Noah... Elliot is not your father.

Your birth father is in heaven with your birth mother...And one day, when your bigger, I will tell you about him."

The dancing dinosaur began its descent again. Noah thought for a minute, and seemingly satisfied with her answer changed the subject to the purchase of one Goldfish.

Which Olivia happily agreed too... anything to change this subject.

2 glasses of wine did nothing to keep her thoughts from straying too the past. After checking on Noah one last time she slipped between her sheets.

Elliot was the leading man of her dreams. She dreamed that he was dead, having watched from afar as his family laid him to rest. It was a gloomy, rainy day. Everyone was dressed in black. She gripped her umbrella as her tears fell to the ground. Then just as quickly as they were lowering his coffin into the muddy hole his children had surrounded her. Taunting her, she was the reason he was dead. She was the reason for everything.

They yelled, cried and screamed at her . Then suddenly she was back with Lewis. They were playing Russian Roulette. It was time for the final bullet. She looked over at Lewis but it was Elliot. He was saying something but no sound was coming out and then the bullet pierced his scull spraying Elliot's blood all over her face and arms. She woke up soaked in sweat, her heartbeat thudding in her ears.

She told herself over and over it was a dream brought on by a triggering day. She felt utterly alone and she laid there willing for something to hold on to...Tears sliding down her face.

The next morning was no better for her, a Manic Monday of sorts. She had awoken to Lucy calling to say she was running late... half the morning late. which meant She would need to wake and dress Noah as well as prepare herself for the day. She hung up the phone rolled over on her stomach and buried her head into her pillow.

As she spit out her toothpaste into the sink and rinsed she took a long look in the mirror. Her eyes were sunken in with dark circles underneath them. a tale tell sign of her restless night. The last 7 years had definitely aged her. The worry lines. Every line can tell a story. Starting with Elliot devastating their friendship or what she thought was a friendship. Through her two different ordeals with Lewis and the most recently when her son was missing. Worry lines had sprouted across her face as reminders. Just as the reminders that Lewis had branded onto her body. Just another thing to remind her that she was a survivor.

She stands in his doorway just breathing in his little boy scent. She knows she must wake him and move him forward but for now she relishes in watching his sleeping face with his beautiful curls. She stands and stares while urging herself to remember that this moment... this very moment, as if she can pocket the memory and save it for a later time. Five will soon turn into ten and that will lead to becoming a teenager so in the meantime she will savor these small moments. She moves closer to his bed and sits next to him. She starts to lightly rub his back... "Hey Buddy...". His groggy eyes flutter open and shut. She continues to rub his back wondering if this is defeating the purpose. . "We are going to have to get you dressed... your going to have to

Come into work with Mommy for a bit. Lucy is running late." His little eyes roll back into his head. He is fighting staying awake. She's not above Bribing... come on Noah... don't you want to see Uncle Finn? With those magical words spoken His eyes pop open. "And Uncle Sonny?"

"Yes" She replies "But... just for a bit... Lucy is going to come and get you this morning"

Happy with that answer he happily bounces off his bed.

She wishes just for a millisecond that she could harness just a fraction of that energy. She helps him pick out his clothes and tries to tame is curly hair... which doesn't seem to work. She reminds herself to ask Carisi for the curly head tips... that man must had some curl as a kid. Breakfast is quick and uneventful and they make their way into work.

...

NYPD

Monday July 11 9am

Olivia walked into the precinct with Noah in tow.

"Lt". Finn calls to her.

Olivia puts up a finger, asking her to give him a second. She takes Noah into her office and sits him on her couch. She takes out his tablet and some toys. "Ok buddy... help me out here, just sit here and play with your tablet. Lucy should be here in about hour." Noah Nods already engrossed in "Paw Patrol" playing on his tablet.

She waves Finn into her office.

Is there a G rated version we can talk about Finn? Or do we need to step outside? "She asks"

No liv, it's nothing big. Do you remember a case you and Elliot were working on about 10 years ago? The perps name was Steven Marco. Finn asked Liv

"I think so... Tell me more". Olivia scrunched up her eyebrows trying to reach back into her memory.

Finn continued

"All I could get from the computer was his charges and the plea deal he made and his scentencing guidelines

"What were his charges" liv asked

"Distribution o pornography" Finn answered back spelling out child.

"Yes.. I remember now...

Elliot went undercover at his support group. We had thought he was distributing it. Turns out it was a cover for a ring. The guy skated practically free for his testimony. Elliot testified in the case, he was not happy with the outcome. He thought Marco got off way to easy.

Why 10 years later Finn? What's the interest? Olivia asked

"Marco ended up in a dumpster." He looked over a Noah briefly to make sure the boy was engrossed in his tablet.

"And he was missing his family jewels!" Finn said in a softer tone. "I caught the case this weekend, I thought the name sounded familiar. The computer was pretty useless for me". He continued

Olivia cut in "A lot of the notes are still with the case file. Like I said Elliot was the one who testified...Let me see if I can round it up the original files for you. Do you mind playing "watch the kid" for about 10 minutes" She asked

I don't mind... you know we love this kid!

Finn shot back quickly

Olivia left the office and Finn sat down next to Noah bumping his shoulder lightly with his body.

"Noah Benson...How have you been"

Noah looked up from his tablet grinning.

I'm good Uncle Finn, Mommy said Lucy is going to pick me up later. Where is Uncle Sonny? He asked

"Uncle Sonny is out right now. I will tell him you stopped by. I'm sure he's gonna be mad he missed you." Finn teased him.

I'm gonna talk to your mom about you and I getting some batting practice in!

Never to late to get ready to play for the Yankees...How about that?

Noah's eyes lit up! "That would be awesome Uncle Finn."

"Ok then" Finn said... we will make it work.

Hey...Uncle Finn? Asked Noah

"Yeah Noah..." Finn replied

Looking around Finn for the return of his mother Noah whispered quietly

"Mommy had a old partner named Elliot."

"Yep Buddy. I know. I knew Elliot.

He and I worked together a lot

He was... is one of the good guys."

"Uncle Finn?"

Another whisper came out of the boy

"He is not my Daddy... Mommy says

At that point Finn decided this was going to be the longest 10 minutes of his life.

—

Las Angeles , California

July 11, 2am

On a dim and eerily lighted dock, three men move white burlap sacks into the back of a van. Another man stands watching in the distance, barking orders every once in awhile. It's just after 2am and this job is progressing slower than usual. The man, obviously in charge, is becoming increasingly impatient. He has a deadline. The rain is falling harder, hindering the workers. He reminds them as time ticks by, that their rewards are becoming smaller by the minute. The workers scramble to pick up the pace. The last item is loaded in the van as the rain pelts even harder.

He pays the two workers then, jumps into the drivers seat and turns the air on full blast. A second man climbs into the van. He is small in stature, with sandy blond hair. His diminutive presence is nothing compared to the man in behind the wheel.

"Were are we heading?" The blonde man asked

With a slight hint of concern

"I don't know I'm waiting for the call...But, I CAN tell you, we're behind!" The man in the drivers seat answers

He Flushes out his ringing cell phone.

"Fretti" he answers.

He listens intently to the voice other end, then hangs up.

"Well?" The blonde man asks. "What's next?"

"We are heading to New York." Fretti forces out.

"Well it's about damn time." The blonde man exclaimed. Thumping the dash with his fist

"Yeah," Fretti answered with a sigh, "It's about damn time."

He removes his hoodie and Jacket. The humidity of the rain getting the best of him. He wipes a hand slowly down his face to remove the moisture and sweat. A lump has formed in the bottom of his throat. He's finding it hard to swallow but he pushes his doubts down, puts the van in drive and pulls away.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.**

 **Previously...**

 _He removes his hoodie and Jacket. The humidity of the rain getting the best of him. He wipes a hand slowly down his face to remove the moisture and sweat. A lump has formed in the bottom of his throat. He's finding it hard to swallow but he pushes his doubts down, puts the van in Drive and pulls away_

Fretti stood in front of the bathroom mirror, gripping the sink. Staring at his reflection. The fluorescent bulb in the small bathroom flickered off and on. They had been crossing the country for two days now, making one last stop at this little hole in the wall motel, one hour outside of Long Island. It was 2am, his body wanted him to sleep, his mind had other plans. He turned on the faucet, cupping his Hands with the cool Liquid before splashing it on his face. He grabbed a towel and slowly blotted off his wet face, never taking his eyes of the mirror. The last years had taken its toll, the creases around his eyes and in his forehead. the grey sprinkled throughout his abundant facial hair. He hung the towel over the shower, flipped of the light switch and exited the bathroom

The room was dark expect from the glow of the antique TV centered in the middle of the room. it perched on a dresser between each of the double beds. Panache sat against the head board clad in T-shirt and boxers heavily engrossed in the rerun of The Family Guy on the television. Fretti moved to his bed and slipped between the cool covers. With his hands intwined behind his head. He gazed up at the ceiling. He didn't know how this was going to play out, but he sensed something was going to give. Panache let our a roaring laughter and Fretti grabbed the pillow next to him and tossed it in Panache's direction. "Keep it down". Fretti growled.

"What's with you?" Panache laughed "You seem to be jumpier the closer we get to New York"

Fretti kept his gaze focused on the ceiling.

...

Sonny Carisi Jr. had always been the nicest guy. The guy that everyone could count on. That boy in high school that had always been in the "friend" zone. Family man, Pilar of society and one big schmuck... who constantly had the habit of falling for women out of his reach. One particular woman was sitting next to him as they were driving downtown. He and his partner, Amanda Rollins were heading down to the Medical examiners office to discuss the findings of the Victim in thier newest case. Carisi upon discovering was a pedophile gleefully renamed him "Mr NOnads in honor of his missing body parts. Amanda's voice broke him from his thoughts. "Hey? "You know... Jessie has been asking if your coming this weekend ?" His heart warmed with the mention of the little ones name...now there was ONE female that had his undying love and devotion. "You tell Little Miss Jessie that I will set something up this weekend"

Now only if her mommy had felt the same way.

Medical examiner office

The ME's office always had the same smell. The smell of Antiseptic with a hint of death. Amanda and Sonny checked in at the front and went back to discuss the findings with the Medical Examiner. Melinda Werner was the assigned ME for SVU cases from what they had understood she had a long respected history with SVU.

They knocked on the door and walked in. Melinda was elbow deep into another autopsy. "Hey guys." She greeted them cheerfully. "Let me clean up and I will meet you in my office" she turned to them still elbow deep "really guys, no coffee or anything?"

20 min later they all sat in her office, case file in front of her.

"The victim died of a gunshot wound point plank to the

forehead. The testacles were rather crudely dissected post Morton."

Sonny winced upon the mentioning of the former

Toxicology revealed levels of cocaine and marijuana, not that it has anything to do with the case but the victim also had stage III cirrhosis of the liver.

"So... he was shot, mutilated and dumped" Sonny commented

"So it appears". Answered back Melinda

"There is one more thing" Melinda spoke has she reached into her desk drawer. This was on the victim She handed them a evidence bag with a business card. "The pants he was wearing had an inside pocket...one of techs found it" Melinda held the bag up for them to peer at the business card "Chris Kellerman, Department of Alcohol tobacco and firearms?" Amanda read from the card. Sonny spoke up "Snitches get Stitches"

Or in this case ditches" Melinda replied as she stood up to signal that thier meeting was over. "Next time you wonderful people can bring me coffee"

Liv, Fin, Amanda and Sonny were all huddled around the smart board. Amanda began. He was found dumped in the trash dumpster by waist removal workers at 715 am in the morning on the 18th. Signs showing the victim was killed between 1 and 4 am the night he was dumped. Victim was shot point blank to the forehead and the Testicles were removed post mortem with a jagged object." Upon hearing the last statement both men in the group groaned loudly in protest. Olivia rolled her eyes and Amanda let a laugh escape her. "One business card was found upon persons, belonging to an ATF agent."

"Did you try the number on the card?" Liv asked. "Yes". Amanda replied "but it's been disconnected, I have a call into ATF to get more info on this Kellerman." Amanda finished. "So what are we thinking here? Is this a sex crime or a robbery gone bad?" Olivia asked the group.

Silence permeated the group...

"Ok". Liv went on. Let's spread out Fin, you and Sonny notify next of kin and see what info you can get. Rollins stay on the ATF lead."

Amanda received a call back minutes later from ATF. They verified that the man on the business card was one of their

Agents and he was currently under deep cover. "How deep is deep?" Asked Amanda "I mean we found his card in the pocket of a murdered snitch". There was a pause on the end of the line. The callers friendly tone changed into one of need to know. "We appreciate your interest in our ATF agents safety, but I can assure you we can do our job mam." Amanda rolled her eyes

Back to playing the doe eyed school girl. "I didn't mean to assume for a minute that you couldn't do you job, I was just concerned for the safety of one of your agents." The man paused for a second. "We appreciate your concern, this is a need to know operation and we will use our resources to get to the bottom of this, thank you for the heads up, you enjoy your day man". CLICK

"The SOB just hung up on me"

Yelled Amanda slamming the phone down loud enough to bring Olivia out of her office. "What's going?" Liv questioned

"ATF just got very paranoid when I started poking around about their agent, Rollins replied. "it was "need to know" and apparently I didn't need to know because he hung up on me!" Amanda raged with frustration.

"Let me make some calls" liv replied. "See if I can find something out". She called over her shoulder has she walked back to her office.

Department of ATF

Freeman hung up the call from the lady cop. The call did not go well. He stood up from his chair and grabbed his jacket heading out to the parking garage to his SVU. Once inside he made the call.

"It's Freeman" he said

"Your man didn't clean out the pockets, the cops found a business card I have a name...

TBC

Sent from my iPhone


End file.
